Say you've been dating a person for a number of years and love this person, but one day you stumble upon something that gives you proof, without any doubt, that this person has been lying about at least a quarter of his or her history to you. Instead, this person has been feeding you stories about someone else's life. When confronted with this information, the person initially tries to lie, but finally folds and admits it. What would you do? Would you do the same if you lived with that person? Had a family with that person?
Alright, now say that there have been trust issues over a number of other things over the years, it doesn't really matter what, just things that are important that you wouldn't want in a partner. Things you know your partner has does in the past. Again, it doesn't matter what, but it could be things such as drug use, cheating, stealing... or anything else you really wouldn't want in a partner. Maybe you had caught your partner slipping up initially in the beginning, but for a long time things have seemed well. Sometimes you may have been suspcious - with very good reason - and may have even asked about it, but your partner reassured you that it wasn't what you thought and since you trust your partner, you accepted that. After finding out about your partner's other lies - how much would you begin to wonder about these other potential lies? Either way, since the relationship has moved passed these situations, should it be forgotten rather than dug back up? If you decided you wanted to maintain the relationship, would you want to know - would it matter? What if you *didn't* want to maintain the relationship, would you still want to know, would it still matter?
Finally, do you think you could even salvage this relationship if you wanted to? Maybe more importantly, should you? What if part of you wanted to be single? What if you wanted a relationship? Even if you really thought that you loved this person - did you really? A lot of what you know about the person you know to be false, and even more about who you thought the person was could be.
Here is a video of me rolling. To be fair, the guy I'm rolling with hasn't been doing jiu-jitsu very long (although, had been doing wrestling for about 4 years prior). Anyways, I haven't listened to it with the sound on, but the point where he has me in a guillotine and I tap and we restart in the same guillotine, it's because we were on someone else's mat so we moved.
Man, I'm so disappointed in California for *probably* passing prop 8. It's looking pretty guaranteed at this point.
I'll be honest, I haven't been to church for a non-special service (like a wedding or funeral) in probably four years. What kind of loving benevolent God calls two people who love each other being with each other sinful and evil? I was raised Christian and this kind of thing breaks my heart. It has pushed me away from my religion.
I read stories about the people who voted against it saying things like, "It's not natural." This kind of bigotry makes me sick to my stomach. It frustrates me and makes me feel hatred for these people. How can these people be so ignorant?
Through this campaign leading up to this election I have ran into a lot of crazy people, in California, who believed Obama was a Muslim. That Obama was a terrorist. This is IN CALIFORNIA? Where do they get these ideas from? Who spreads this propaganda and how do people believe these things? Who is so strongly against gay people having rights from the government?
In 2004 the election broke my heart and I nearly gave up on politics. My college grades have never been stellar, but my poli sci grades have always been perfect. After that I got my first B, and then bombed my first political science class.
I feel better about this election because the Democrats now have a strong majority in the house and the senate and have the presidency. I am very disappointed by the vote on 8 though.
Don't you people understand? This isn't a contest, this isn't a game, these votes have real consequences on real people and voting to block their rights because you don't agree with their lifestyle is just plain bullshit.
I'm gonna take a nap before work now. I guess I'll find out about the rest of the results later tonight.
PS, here's my voting:
1A - Safe, reliable High-Speed passenger train bond act No.
Reason - how they pay for it. They want to issue 9.95 billion dollars in bonds to pay for it, then we're going to pay 19.4 billion dollars to the people and businesses who bought those bonds. We're paying twice what it's going to cost. I do not like paying for things with bonds for this reason.
2 - Standards for confining farm animals Yes.
The effects of this on the industry have been exaggerated by commercials and being a little humane to the animals before we slaughter and eat them should be something we support.
3 - Children's hospital bond act - grant program No.
Again, it sucks how they pay for this. Just like 1A I support the idea, but not they payment plan. Almost a billion dollars in bonds will be issued, and the tax payers will be paying 2 billion dollars for those 980 million dollar bonds.
4 - Waiting period and parental notification before termination of a minor's pregnancy No.
Simple reasoning, often abortion takes place when a girl is being raped by a family member. Having to get permission and make that public before aborting the baby is not okay.
5 - Nonviolent drug offenses, sentencing, parole and rehabillitation Yes.
Drug addicts have a sickness and shouldn't be jailed for that, they should be treated.
6 - Police and law enforcement funding, criminal penalties, and laws Yes I'm for more police to help prevent crimes with victims.
7 - Renewable energy generation Yes This was a tough call, but I agree with the need for more renewable energy. Although there will be a short term price increase on energy prices, I believe it will decrease prices with time because there is no speculation on how much renewable energy is left (infinite).
8 - Eliminates right of same sex couples to marry No.
The government isn't a church, and marriage is a contract between two people having to deal with hospital visits, inheritance, taxes and other important calls that the two have to make for each other. It has nothing to do with if churches have to marry gays or not (which, by the way, some churches have been marrying gays for decades even without the government benefits). Don't hate on gay people just because you don't believe in a Christian marriage for gays, this isn't what this is about.
9 - Criminal Justice System, victim rights, parole... etc.
The victim should be able to speak about the person who victimized him or her and what they think about that person as far as if they have changed. They also should have the right to know if that person is getting out.
10 - Alternative fuel vehicles and renewable energy bonds No.
Although I'm for the idea, this is paid for with bonds and this is really about a certain energy man trying to get the government to pay for his research on these vehicles.
11 Redistricting amendment Yes.
The politicians in office shouldn't be making their own districts.
12. - Veteran's bond act No Paid for with bonds, again. Good cause ruined by a shitty payment plan.
For president: Obama
representative for 40th district Christian Avalos
State Senator Ginny Mayer
Member of State Assembly Steve Blount... unfortunately, didn't like either candidate
blah blah, I'm sure you guys don't care about the rest locally. If so, just ask.
Last night while working I was thinking of poverty and crime. Often I have heard that poverty causes crime. There is a correlation that backs up this assertion, but correlation does not necessarily mean causation.
6 days until I've been with my current girlfriend Madison in a relationship for 1 year. That's a record. We've been dating for a year in 3 days. Previous record was Jamie who I was with in a relationship for 3 months and dating for 9 months. Before that... I don't think I ever made it past 5 weeks and that was with Alicia and Chandra (was with them roughly the same amount of time). Other than those girls, which includes highschool, I've generally never been good at getting in or staying in relationships.
That said, this is going well, although I do sometimes have some internal panic over the idea of being with just one person for so long and do stress or feel... overwhelmed by the idea, I have been able maintain my sanity - for the most part.
It is very difficult for me. However, I'm with a good woman, and currently am happy.
The other day Madison and I were walking to the $2.00 theatre to wait for her friend Richelle and were talking. At some point I said something hilarious which was responded to by Madison with a "Jerk!" followed by two palm strikes to the shoulder and a shove.
I smiled at her and responded with a, "How dare you hit me and push me!"
She opened her arms wide for a hug and I immediately shot in and grabbed her around the waist. I then moved to her side and she yelled at me to stop, going to push me away with a hand, but I grabbed her hand and pinned it to her side.
Around this time she actually got truly angry and started yelling at me all angry like. I, of course, stopped and told her, "Alright, I'm going home." She yelled to me for me to stop and apologized for yelling at me angry like that in public (something I have professed dislike for on several occassions).
I paused for a moment and said, "Well, you know I don't appreciate that."
During this time a black, a white, and a mexican guy walked by. If this sounds like the start to a bad joke, it's probably because it is. The black guy looked at me and said mockingly, "I don't appreciate that."
The three men (boys? Tatoos, but younger looking - 18'ish) continued walking as I told him to shut up. The black guy responded, "You shutup, faggot."
I was standing to the side of a building and they were now in front of it, but I could see them clearly due to the walls being in large part made of windows. I yelled back to him, "Fuck off."
Around this time all three of them started talking shit amongst themselves and the white guy yelled that I was lucky they didn't kick my ass. Someone threw out a bitch to compliment his words and I sarcastically responded, "Yeah, you guys are real tough from the other side of the building."
The white guy shouted at me, challenging me to come to where they were. I was about to respond saying something similar, since they had started the shit they should come deal with it, when my girlfriend told me to go over there.
So to the front of the building I walked, I stayed at the corner building, but towards the middle of the sidewalk at the corner. They were more towards the center of the building. I was in clear view. It reminded me of a western showdown, except I was outnumbered.
There were three of them, the black and mexican weren't much bigger than me, actually similar sized, but stockier. The white guy was slender like me, but had probably a good half a foot on me give or take. He carried a skateboard. He handed it to the mexican and said, "Here." Then began walking towards me.
At this point I wasn't sure what the appropriate course of action would be. He was quickly approaching me, but many people do this, get in a person's face, talk a whole lot, then when their ego has been satisifed, walk away. This was a possibility. If I put up my hands and readied myself for the fight, it might get rid of this possibility, and I also might be seen as the aggressor by any witnesses. However, he was walking at me pretty aggressively and...
I ducked under an overhand right, almost. It bounced off the side of my head and I barely felt it as I shot in and clenched my arms around his stomach. I moved to his side where he attempted some lame headlock and failed miserably. I then circled him a bit to get him off balance, hooked his leg with my own, and threw him face first towards the ground. He caught himself on his forearms and was quickly getting back up. I was indecisive on my next course of action, I could jump on his back, get my hooks in, and flatten him out on the ground. If I did that, I'd have my way with him, could hit him in the back and the back of the head all day and he probably couldn't do shit, or I could look to choke him out. However, if I jumped on and got my hooks in, and one of his friends came up behind me, especially with that skateboard, it would take me longer to get up and out of there. Might just be better to trip him back to the ground from behind and maybe kick him or hit him without actually going to the ground myself.
Nah, I'd go with the hooks.
I pushed his upper body back to the ground, (he was trying to get up and was on one knee already) putting both his hands and knees back on the ground. Just as I was about to jump on his back, his friend who had his skateboard came from the side. I pushed off his back and stepped back a step so they were both in my view.
"Stop, stop! Knock it off!" The mexican dude ran between us and put his hand near my chest as his friend got up. I told him I was done and he put his hand down. His friend continued raging like an idiot and tried to hit me through his friend (nice friend), missing by about three feet.
The white guy yelled, "You want some more!"
"I don't care."
"You don't care?! What, you want to get hit again?!"
I shrugged, "It didn't hurt me any."
It was strangely calming knowing that in reality, this guy had little chance against me. There is always that unsureness when going into a fight, but in about twenty seconds the guy made several mistakes that I was able to capitalize on. A poorly thrown punch (he actually punched pretty quick and hard, if he knew how to punch, I might have been in trouble), terrible headlock attempt, posturing when I got a body lock, and giving me his back when he went to the ground. I also made a mistake (starting the fight with my hands relaxed at my side), but at least I knew I made it.
Madison and I walked off and as we did he yelled, "You just got your ass beat in front of your girlfriend." I didn't care. I had already moved on. I had felt like a man fighting a boy.
We then went and got ice cream followed by Sweeney Todd.
I had a thousand things running through my mind earlier, so I came to the library with the intent of posting a few of them here. I, of course, promptly fell asleep in my car waiting ten minutes for the library to open and my mind has now been all but wiped clean.
Or maybe just my emotions.
My life is stagnant, which seems common for me, and I am discontent with my current position. This causes for some turmoil within, some internal struggle which in return sends confusing messages to those around me.
I guess what it really comes down to is I am not happy with where I am right now. Which is, living with my girlfriend, with her family, and working. I train a few times a week in jiu-jitsu, work, and spend time with the girlfriend. It really doesn't sound too bad. Unfortunately, I am not content because I do not feel I have achieved anything great. I have read that a person should be happy with what he has, or he's doomed to misery. Unfortunately, it is not really WHAT I have that is the problem, it is what I AM. I am always wanting to be better, better at everything. I want to write better, fight better, be stronger, faster, smarter, be... everything. I want to be good at everything, and great at something, and be great at it now.
I do not like living with my girlfriend's family. I want to get out of there. I have a problem though... my girlfriend doesn't work. Now, I can probably move out and rent a room somewhere and afford that, or move out and have a roommate and afford that. However, what I can't afford is to move out with Madison and live with roommates and pay half the rent of a two bedroom, or all the rent in a one bedroom apartment. At least not hear in Orange County. Madison doesn't want me to leave her... so I feel stuck. Trapped. Held back. I get upset because I've been with her for about eleven months and she has never truly commited anything monetary to the relationship. Now she could make me feel a little better about this by cooking and cleaning daily or something, but she doesn't and then half the time she doesn't go to school. She's a good woman, but I can't, and won't, be stuck living with her family forever. Whether that means I go and we stay together... or not. I of course can't talk to her about this, because it makes her feel like she's a "piece of shit" (her words, not mine). We did however get in an argument yesterday because she didn't get ready for school on time, where I professed that I didn't enjoy having to parent my girlfriend, and she told me I wasn't her dad, then that I was her dad, exactly like her dad (she had a lot of problems with him when she was younger, and he did a lot of bad things... so this is a pretty big insult). I told her I wouldn't get upset if she'd just be responsible and get herself together and she told me it was my fault she wasn't at school now (even though her ride had left because she didn't get ready on time) and I told her to quit being a fuck up. Things of course went down hill from there with her telling me I'm not great myself, citing the fact that I lived at her house for free (I suppose the few hundred dollars I spend on groceries for the houses a month isn't enough, I can understand that, except my "room" is filled with other people's stuff... completely filled that is, and I share it with a 12 year old boy and others in the household are free to come in and use whatever in the room at any given time, how much is that worth monthly you think?) I of course, immediately began packing my things because I don't want to be there anyways and am only there for her, and paying rent wouldn't be a problem (no one has ever said anything about it to me) if I stopped taking Madison out to eat every other day.
Madison and I have been having some problems lately anyways. She's a very emotional person... she's high maitenance. She yells and cries when she gets upset, and that is pretty much a daily thing. Even though she's not always directing at me, it is tiresome when someone has a breakdown because they can't find a fake eyelash, or a shoe, or a certain thing of make-up. It creates a negative environment that I don't enjoy, and I'm not sure I can put up with it forever - which ultimately makes the relationship a finite thing that may not be worth putting up with considering all the drama and sacrifice it takes to be in a relationship (especially with a girl who is very high maintenance).
That said... fuck, Edwards has no shot at being the Dem. presidential candidate. Oh well, maybe he can run as Vice... again.
I want to train more. I need to make more time somehow, and I'm not sacrificing sleep.
I've felt numb since my last relationship, I'm never all that happy or sad, just a little one way or the other. Is that better than being extremely happy or sad at any given time? My head hurts.